Guess who's back and arguably not better than ever - but giving it my best shot as always. I honestly planned on blogging more back when I could tweet it (pre-suspension lol) and know i'd get more than one reader, but hey ho, this blog isn't for anyone but myself at the end of the day.

I do feel like I turn to writing when I can feel my life shifting and don't know how else to deal with it other than write everything down - which is admittedly stupid, it just means that any blogging consists almost entirely of incoherent rambling. Alas, there's method in the madness somewhere I'm sure.

The past few months have been fairly dramatic - new places, places that were once happy becoming significantly more sombre, new people, new experiences, new experiences WITH new people, new anxieties, learning how to deal with grief and realising that sweeping emotions consistently under the rug in the hopes that it's easier to face them at a later date only ends in prolonging the damage. AND over the NEXT few months, it's only going to get MORE dramatic!!!!

None of it has sunk in yet, and probably won't until I'm actually out there, but moving to Vancouver (if only for a semester) will be the single scariest thing I've done in my life. And I'm afraid.

Sure, I'm BEYOND excited to stay in a city that isn't Glasgow long enough for it to feel like a new 'home', and to -hopefully- make at least a few new friends. Listen to new music, seizing opportunities for personal growth and blah blah blah. Of COURSE I'm excited, but fear is natural with a move this huge, regardless of the time period.

What I feel is a lot less natural, albeit probably understandable, is the ridiculous fear of life going on without me. This sounds more stupid, and I've been told it is by anyone I've admitted this to. I do know that life at home isn't just put on pause while I'm away, and that even while I'm at home, I have minimal control over the changes I fear most. My going away for the semester doesn't mean that all my friends will forget about me, it doesn't mean that the people I love and who love me will fall out of it. I have the social skills and the energy to ensure that everyone I know and love also knows that I'm thinking about them. On a broader point - I fear what I can't control.

Even at home, I struggle to cope with the idea of people slipping through my fingers if I don't keep a tight enough grip. I hold on to feelings that almost definitely aren't mutual, in the hopes that one day they may become mutual; and my leaving ((mentally)) is the equivalent of letting go or at least loosening my grip, setting them free to find other friends, who don't weigh them down, who are infinitely more interesting or at least less awkward.

The truth is, whether I'm 4 miles or 4365 miles away, I cannot and never will be able to control how I am seen by others. Those who wish to keep me in their life in any capacity will be waiting with open arms when I return.

Cheryl Cole once said "anything that's worth having is sure enough worth fighting for"; and there's a truth to this - but it goes both ways. There is no point in wasting time and energy in watering a dead plant. If a battle is lost, move it and move on - but don't forget it. Salvage what you can, press the flowers and preserve them. They'll never be as bright as they once were, and that's ok.
I'm running out of analogies to use, and after a long day, that's ok too - I told you it would be incoherent.

I'm very sure that I'll return to this topic, whether in blog form or in the form of verbal diarrhea most likely falling upon deaf, or at least unwilling, ears.

Cheers to change and personal growth etc,
Lucy x