The only time I ever write blogs is under the crushing weight of every other thing I have to do, this time around it's an essay, studying for exams, packing for Vancouver, prepping for working in Disney World next summer (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) among other things - but oh well, motivation is motivation, and I'm not keen on losing it.

Coming towards the end of the year, I've been doing all sorts of dramatic ~reflecting~ on my year, about significant events and people and music and all kinds of wonderful things that I got to do or see, and things that maybe haven't had the greatest impact.

The running theme among these "negative" events has been forgiveness. It's something I've never struggled to do, it's very easy to either blame myself and apologise for something (be it annoying someone, doing something I would perceive as being selfish or just generally not being good enough), or to let something slide because I feel the other person couldn't help it or was just having a bad day. I'd never thought of this as a weirdly toxic trait until recently; it has allowed me to keep every friendship I've ever made, but is that in itself a good thing?

It's much easier to verbally forgive and move on than it is to mentally forgive - and this has been something I've had the greatest trouble handling. It's hard to explain without explicit examples, and I don't want to do that for the very reason that I have already given forgiveness, and by bringing something back up again, I'm going back on my word.

From a very personal perspective - regardless of whether I feel I have given true forgiveness and would like both parties to move on, some things have lasting damaging effects that a simple act of masking over or sweeping under the rug won't help. Sure, I've grown a lot (and learned a lot about myself and my own tolerance levels) from things that have happened this year - but that doesn't mean that I haven't been left thinking about how things could have been should they have went the way they seemed to be going, if I was able to speak up for myself more in the moment, or if I was just generally a better version of myself, in ways I can't learn to be.

I remind myself every day of how lucky I am to have so many wonderful, loving, kind friends and family, people who love me unconditionally, who don't allow me to think of myself as a burden or as useless as I've felt in various scenarios this year. I am also lucky to be living my dreams next year, and all of these little things will hopefully become a bit more superficial; but I'm so aware that it's healthy for me to acknowledge the damage caused for what it's worth. There's no point in trying to diminish my own problems when they are very real and very scary.

Going hand in hand with this is maybe the greatest lesson I've learned this year (whether I actually practice what I preach is something only time will tell): SPEAK TF UPPPP. If I'm not fine don't say I am, tell people that what they did hurt me because they'll grow from that going forward and other people won't get caught in the aftermath, stand up for myself when I'm clearly getting walked over. Don't let people build up promises they never intend to keep etc etc etc.

CHEERS TO 2019 AND SPEAKING UP 4 WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, MUTUAL GROWTH BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE AND HOPEFULLY NOT SACRIFICING FRIENDSHIPS ALONG THE WAY!

Love, Lucy x