Here's a different one.

This time last year I remember thinking about how my life would look a year from then, which is now. I was in a strange place in a lot of different ways - although I was in a relationship at the time, I still felt deeply unsettled and ultimately isolated, I spent a lot of time just feeling down and there aren't many pleasant thoughts that come to mind from that time period. I knew at the time that I was headed to Vancouver in January, and was nervous but relatively indifferent. I had reapplied and had my pre-screen interview for Disney World and after being let down about it in 2017, I kept my hopes at bay, leaving me with the same subtle nerves but relative indifference. All I knew was that there were so many ways life could go and so many ways that my life could change in the next year.

I had no idea how big an impact my experiences this year would have. The friends I've made, conquering life long fears about my body and general anxieties around food, achieving and completing some of my biggest dreams. I didn't know how easy it would be to fall in love with a city in the same way I fell in love with Vancouver and the people who showed me the best of the city. I was gifted with experiences that restored a lot of the self-worth I had gradually lost over time. There was a million sunsets, and beaches, and solo night runs around the same paths that became a huge comfort. I got to stand topless on a nude beach (with crippling body confidence issues, this never would have happened last year - and it was SO empowering). I was taught that I'm worth more than someone who couldn't remember the most basic details about me, and that I can be interesting and worth listening to.

My time in Disney World taught me that it's possible to squeeze every moment out of your day if you just push for it. There were no 'real' days off in the 2 and a half months I was there. Park in the morning, work until midnight, potentially go out afterwards. Orlando was my oyster, and Glasgow can be too over the next year. I gained a new appreciation for people who can't afford time off, people who need to stay constantly busy to stay afloat financially or to raise kids or just to keep themselves happy and occupied - I survived while I was there but the second I got home I began to crash from exhaustion I'm still dealing with 3 weeks later.

Now, I'm sitting on my bed, writing this blog after the same night time routine I've had for years. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed.

Despite trying to live in the moment and be as present as I was mentally able, I couldn't help look forward occasionally throughout the year, to think about what it would feel like to be in my current situation. For the first time in years I have nothing 'set' to look forward to. I started this month in Orlando, and came home to complete a road trip which kind of sadly wrapped up the best parts of my time in Vancouver (in the best possible way). Starting uni again this week didn't feel like a new beginning so much as the closing of a chapter, and it's been a tricky feeling to deal with. The urge to call this blog 'losing September' was strong but I know that I'm not losing as much as it feels like I am right now. I'd like to remember it for the good rather than the upsetting.

That being said - it IS a new beginning. Being home again gives me the chance to finish my degree, hopefully. I can now look forward to the future from the comfort of my own home, even if it's the last place I'd like to be right now. It's also confirmed my suspicions that my time in Canada was never really over when I left Vancouver. I'm itching to find the peace I found there once again, even if involves starting from the ground up in terms of having a new housing arrangement, new friends, new job and ultimately a new life there. Whether it be for only a year or two or longer.
Regardless - I'm excited to get started.

(Okay so after reading few a couple of my past blogs I've realised that these always come either from a really happy place or a really sad one and this year has been an emotional rollercoaster, I promise to try and provide at least some decent content after this one lol)
I’m writing this at the side of a pool, enveloped in glorious sunshine on arguably one of the most pleasant days weather-wise since I landed in Orlando over two months ago. I start every one of these blogs saying that I only ever tend to write when trying to unravel my thoughts and this is no different. This summer has been physically (for lack of a better word) one of the best of my life. Although I’d still call Christmas my favourite time of year, Summer is the time where I feel the most free, and I’ve found in recent years especially that sunshine improves my mood dramatically. I’ve spent the past 10 weeks in one of my favourite places on the planet, with so many wonderful friends, and getting paid to be here. Shifts were (very) long and the work not always as entertaining as you’d imagine working at Disney World would be, but it was still the best job I’ve had and will likely ever have again. Why then have I spent a good part of the past few months fraught with anxiety and allowed myself to feel progressively more isolated and trapped within a body I’m just not happy to be in? (Which is a complete contrast with the note I finished my last blog on, are we surprised? Not really.) It’s definitely not all to do with physical appearance although I’m very much aware that it plays a major role - but more to do with a lack of acceptance for who I am, how I think and handle situations. My ability to manage multiple friendships while balancing and working on individual relationships has deteriorated over time and what time and energy I used to spend dedicated to others is now being put towards nothing but the anxiety of losing people. It’s a vicious cycle. This blog isn’t intended to reap any kind of solution or result, but more to acknowledge a flaw in myself that demands my time and attention in the coming months as I resettle into some kind of normality - and hopefully to try to explain to anyone who has felt me slip away over the past year in particular. It’s time to take a step back and truly appreciate how privileged I am to have been living in a literal dream for the past 9 months. It's not every day (or year) that you can run around Epcot a few times before work, or just jump on Space Mountain, or tipsily SCREAM along to your favourite Disney World songs at Jellyrolls while laughing at incredibly niche Disney World humour with best friends that you practically live with. All this a couple months off the back of skiing, hiking, going to multiple improv comedy shows, coffee shop crawls and the most stress free exam period of my educational career. AND (??!!) I've traveled down California; hiked halfway up Yosemite Falls (next time I won't be too ill to do the whole thing, mark my words), climbed the hills of San Francisco, went to vintage/thrift shops on Haight-Ashbury, had lunch on Santa Monica Pier, managed to end up the Griffith Observatory 3/4 times in a 3/4 day period, and DISNEYLAND! The ORIGINAL!!! - all with my best friend (the best person on the planet). The idea of going home and dealing with everything that comes along with it is a nightmare right now, and it feels selfish to say it. Returning to normality means accepting and processing negative emotions, loneliness and grief that I've been lucky enough to be able to put in an 'out of sight, out of mind' position over the course of this year. I always knew this wouldn't last forever, and I think that is where a lot of the anxiety I've been feeling for the past while stems from. Uncertain about the feelings people have towards me, uncertain about how my life will look when I get home, uncertain about who will still be there. That all being said, on the same note as I left my last blog about being 21, I’m excited for the opportunity to try and better myself again, placing a bigger focus on my mental health, education, fitness and reconnecting with and empowering and supporting friends.