2019 was wild, and I always knew it would be – I’d been planning on doing one of the internet “challenges” for years but could never find the motivation before. Posting a picture (or 10 lol) a day seemed like the best option, I can stand by it being one of the best things I’ve done, there’s something amazing about having a digital record, or photo album, of my year, and I honestly miss doing it (as much as I struggled towards the end of the year).
I should also preface this by saying I know no one really cared about it or truly cares about reading about it, but it meant a lot to me. It was one constant, it gave me a goal to work towards and it felt like something to be proud of – and it is! Looking back at all the places, faces and colours of the year just reinforces how grateful I am to have experienced it all. It’s funny to look at all the details and the funny wee things I would have probably forgotten about if I hadn’t got a pic or put it in the caption – but it’s also a reminder of how much I never talked about or shared.

365 days and more than 365 resulting pictures and videos still doesn’t tell you anything about friendships, relationships, falling asleep everywhere (and anywhere), seemingly unremarkable moments which have been etched into my memory as the best of my life. It doesn’t show first meetings, or reunions, it doesn’t capture the feeling of seeing your favourite songs live even if you try your hardest to express it by other means.

It doesn’t show late night conversations – whether just funny and anecdotal or those that reaffirm love and friendship. Or, the frustration behind long distance communication, and being unable to be there physically when someone might need you most. The fear of losing people because you’re not within their vicinity or that you have been too lost in your own head and busy life to maintain good consistent conversation (something I can see myself continuing to struggle with particularly in the next few months).

With the exception of a few days and a few captions, there is no real trace of the continuing feeling of emptiness and generally inadequacy that I've been going through for a while – something that has plagued me for too long considering how much that I know I’ve achieved – and with that, the fear that nothing will be enough to actually leave me satisfied (cue Hamilton).

What do I have to be proud of? A lot of things. Pushing my boundaries time and time again, whether it’s moving away from home twice within the space of 6 months and having to resettle in new friend groups, or trying things I had always sworn off. It’s putting yourself out there and going on adventures you couldn’t have imagined with people you didn’t know in the space of a couple of months. It’s falling in love with a city and it’s people on the other side of the world. It’s getting your dream job and letting the love of it pull you through the Florida heat and the anxieties of the time.

In terms of missed details? It’s weekly trips to Chick Fil A, it’s playing Walmart Bingo around BC and learning how to skateboard in the upper floor of one of them. It’s napping at bus stops, in taxis, in people’s living rooms, in lectures, in the library, on my own bedroom floor, and beside people you love. Gunning my first beer in the snow behind a Shoppers. Riding on a motorbike into (multiple) sunsets. The emotional rollercoaster of a trip to Dublin that I really wasn’t well enough to be on, but still loving spending time with some of my favourite people and seeing one of my musical HEROES just a few feet in front of me. Cycling home from a club in Nijmegen at 5.30am with no maps and only the vaguest idea of how to get home. Going to Amsterdam and napping for most of the day because of jet lag. CRYING at a video of James Charles at 8am on a train to Yosemite with my best friend. Cosy nights in with old and new friends. Walking through the sketchiest areas of Paris first thing on a Sunday morning because the Metro is closed and you just want to see the Eiffel Tower. Working 3 ridiculously early open shifts a week all semester. Taking up pole dancing, something I’ve wanted to do for YEARS but never had the courage. Getting braver with different outfits, and at least attempting to reclaim a love for my body that I both found and lost again in 2019.

The year was spectacular to the point of never being able to sum it up in one post, and I’m so happy to have been able to share the year with everyone who was willing to listen. It was something special.

Good luck to everyone in the new decade. Hoping 2020 is a year of growth and self-discovery, in the least cringey way possible – I want this to be a year of love for everyone and for myself.