One of the few reliable things about my often frantic pattern of activity is that every few months it leads to a crash-and-burn emotional piece of writing - however this time it is written with spoken encouragement. Unless properly addressed and well thought out, I've never been able to hand-write a stream of consciousness in any coherent manner. My thoughts get tangled as they fall to the paper, in the same way they do unraveling verbally. The process of writing, editing and redrafting sits better with both the more logical side of my brain and the more creative side that yearns to see the full process and finished product. Blog posts are also nice to look back on from time to time, to revisit lessons learned and reflections on certain periods, similar to that of a diary. 

2020 has challenged everyone in every aspect; some more than others, but you would be hard pushed to find someone almost unaffected. Plans have been completely derailed, celebrations cancelled or indefinitely delayed; time suddenly stood still in a way that no one alive can remember. I've heard friends and strangers begin to question the path they are taking in life, and ask more questions about who they are and what they really want for their future (or at least the next few years). More time to dwell on what does or doesn't lie ahead may have lead to rising anxieties about the passage of time, and what one would define as happiness and success. For some it was a well deserved break from running themselves off their feet to the point of never stopping to breathe and think about where they are heading. For some it was like hitting a brick wall at a point where they were more than ready to make a significant turn. Maybe every person fits all of these descriptions in one way or another. 

As much as I hated the social pressure to live "productively" in lockdown I definitely fed right into it. Literally running myself into injury, organising zoom calls (that I never really had the social energy for) to fill the empty space, finding the time to cook and live to a structured meal plan for the first time in my life. However, I did genuinely enjoy improving my skills in cooking and baking, running did clear my head during the heaviest part of the exam period, and although I physically saw no one outside my household, it's probably the least lonely I've felt since I was a child. There is a difference between living productively and making the best of something. Where you launch yourself into classically defined productivity with a self-critical, often very negative mindset, then you set yourself up for burn out - be it creatively or in your mental stamina. Making the best of your situation is purely subjective. It could simply be keeping your outlook broad and positive. It could be taking the time to let your body rest. To learn about proper nutrition and how your body feels to function on it. Maybe it was finding new music, or enjoying the colours stemming from a paintbrush you put down years ago. Taking the time to get lost in the worlds presented by books or movies. It could be just learning to appreciate and love your living space. "Making the best of a bad situation" is all in the mindset, and it's not too late to reflect on a period and alter your beliefs about it. How prominent the push for "self-improvement" remains is dependent on a person's depth of introspection, and it is again subjective. 

What does it mean to improve on yourself? Is it within your physical health and physique, skill sets, mental health, or (in your own terms) productivity? When do you reach a point where you will no longer feel the burning desire to improve or do better? At what point is it no longer improvements to be made, but preservation of the work that you've put in so far?

Any future version of yourself is no more whole, nor "better" than the last - it is just different. It is older and learned. Who you are meant to be in the future is not who you are meant to be and are at present. Who you are meant to be depends on time and circumstance, and one slight change in direction can derail it. To move forward with courage in the pursuit of your best self, you must be confident in who you are right now, knowing your strengths and points of vulnerability and having the will to carry them with you. You cannot build a house on rocky foundations, just as you cannot grow into this future version of yourself without knowing your own beautiful intricacies well enough to flourish around them. 

Potentially the greatest challenge I've faced when reflecting on my thoughts and actions is accepting the knowledge that where plans and measures for (self-proclaimed) self-improvement fall through, it will not be visible to others. I am now very aware that what others think of me is not a reflection of who I am, but it was something I struggled with tremendously as little as two years ago. In every scenario, you put yourself first. Not in a way that is self-centered or intentional, but in a way that is instinctual. Your brain on survival mode does what it can for you only. In this sense, it's likely that you do not think of what others think of you before you think about how you feel about yourself. There is a separation between the two, but it is all too easy to let one bleed into the other. If you are feeling down or hypercritical, it will project into how you believe others perceive you. The gravity of the opinions of others depends on a person's (valid) need for recognition. Very few people that I've come across pay no attention to others, and if they do, it is unlikely that I would choose to remain friends with them. Your friends support you, but never blindly. They identify areas where you could be hurting people even when acting with good intentions, or in areas where you need to gain more clarity and learn new priorities. They lift you up, cheer you on and very likely see how far you've come long before you are able to recognise it yourself. Your friends will never vilify you for what you personally qualify as a failure. Becoming a good friend to yourself will mean becoming a better friend to others. 

A good person has equal value to the next good person even where their beliefs and qualities remain in stark contrast. Both who you are and how you are seen by others is a determination of where your heart is - a measure of your kindness, loyalty, good humour, your use of a soft touch or firm hand where required, your mannerisms, your thought process. Being able to identify areas for improvement and having the desire to work on them is a strength in itself, but acknowledging your weaknesses and accepting them is a strength in equal measure. There is great beauty in strength and vulnerability in every aspect, but you are not defined by either. You can be known to be hard working, determined and talented (qualities that many would never identify in themselves), but you will be remembered for your ability to sit at peace watching the rain from your window, your taste for good coffee, holding dogs in higher regard than most humans, a constant desire to swim in open water, your precision and attention to detail, your fingers dancing round guitar strings, your ability to string words together in tune and with it, a love for old fashioned pen and paper. You will be known for your good heart. 

You cannot control how others perceive you, and ultimately most people know that. The best version of yourself is one you are happy to be. If you are content in yourself, fully in the knowledge that you are enough as you are - with every intricate golden string that ties you together - you have a much greater standing of making moves towards the next version of yourself in security. It lays the foundations for whoever you are to become - someone who will be just as powerful, poetic and passionate as you are today.