Every single year, without fail, Valentine's Day hits me with a weird kind of misery. True, all my past Valentine's Days were spent alone, and I guess this year isn't completely different. I'm very much physically alone in the sense I don't have someone to romantically share the day with, but I'm not alone on the level I have been in the past. Events of the past year and the past few months in particular have taught me lessons about myself, my sense of independence and self worth. I know I won't be alone forever, which had always been my greatest fear - whether or not I'm with one person for an extended period is another thing altogether that I won't touch on right now. Valentine's Day always felt like a reminder of something I was missing out on, and this year it's a little different.

A WHOLE MONTH. I can't believe January is over, and how much I did this month. Genuinely easily the busiest and most wonderful month of my life for so many reasons.

You can judge my general mood and spirit based on when I post blogs because they always come with some intense burst of emotion, and it's been nice to have a more positive motive to write compared with my last few blogs of 2018.

Vancouver has been the world's biggest blessing, and has mended a lot of stuff I was struggling with before leaving. I've pushed myself in a million different ways, pushing my fitness, testing my time management (I'm still not good but I think I've accepted that being chronically late is a part of my personality), pushing myself into a lot of scary new social situations, and putting myself in genuinely scary thrilling adrenaline fueled situations. I've met people who have restored my sense of self-worth, and demonstrated single-handedly the impact that new people can have in such a short space of time.

I've been all over, a bunch of different beaches, the space centre, art gallery, the lookout, Canada Place (x100), the aquarium, a bunch of parks, a bird sanctuary - this list goes on. I've seen the a million sunsets, a bunch of different viewpoints, walked along the Iona Beach jetty INTO the sunset and back (10k !!!!!), and I saw the Super Blood Wolf Moon over the Vancouver skyline. A FREAKING ECLIPSE!!!!! IN A CLEAR SKY!!!!!! I'm still not over it.

In the past two weeks alone I've had my first ski lesson in the ROCKIES!!!!, went dogsledding and have spent a good bit of time zooming around on the back of a motorbike, and it was all magical, and thrilling.

It's weird to think that a year from now everything will be a memory. Even at the time - when you're flying through Stanley Park in the dark on the back of a motorbike, with the driver's foot firmly on the accelerator, flying past through the trees and past fleeting glimpses of the bright city skyline in the distance through the breaks in the branches - nothing feels real.

It's shown me how much I'm capable of, and how many crazy amazing unbelievable experiences there are here and anywhere else. Life is wonderful, and the more I experience the more I get excited about it.

This blog is short and badly written but I have so much to say about this past month that I don't even know where to begin. It's been better than I could have imagined. The takeaway from this blog is that I urge the very few people that read it to seize every opportunity you get. It could be terrible, it could be the best experience of your life, either way, it's a good story to tell :-)

Lucy x

I've been in Vancouver for a week now!! and WOW has it been a long week.

The downside of mild social anxiety is that large groups of people are overwhelming and often look faceless to me, names and sometimes faces are difficult to distinguish, and that has been what the majority of this week has been for me. Like one giant storm of people, and it's difficult to get a grasp of.

In my first 3 weeks of uni, right at the very beginning, I tried to quit. Completely tried to drop out, for the same reasons as I've described above. I had no idea how to make friends, Freshers events seemed like my worst nightmare (and still are, wish me luck for this week coming), no one from high school was doing my course, and with a crowd of 300 odd students, it just seemed like a faceless crowd. It seemed impossible.

Turns out, it wasn't impossible. I've met the most wonderful pure lovely extraordinary people through uni, and I couldn't be happier, but it took time, and that's what I've had to tell myself this week.

BUT it's not all bad. Like I mentioned in my last blog, over the past couple of years I've become fiercely independent - and it's proving to be a blessing. Although having friends to physically interact and share experiences with is always preferable, I'm confident enough to venture out on my own, and because of it, I've been able to experience things I never would have been able to otherwise.

Travelling on your own allows you to navigate the day on your own accord, you can chop and change plans within a moments notice, you can dart from place to place without a second thought. If you want to see as much as you can that day, then travelling on your own is the way to go AND it's a lot easier to make friends with strangers this way. In one day I was able to have 4 different conversations comparing Scotland and Canada, and as a result I learned about family links and got offered a free coffee.

Spending more time with yourself allows you to discover your own capabilities and subsequent limits in the same way that you would be learning about a friend you would have taken with you. Be your own friend. Learn more about yourself. Push your own boundaries. If, like me - cripplingly so, you can struggle with confidence issues, then this is one of the easiest ways to gain self confidence. Taking ultimate responsibility for your own physical actions, with no one to help navigate in any sense, is incredibly enriching.

I'm not going to pretend it's an easy thing to do - especially for people who feel dependent on others for comfort and security reasons. The beauty of being fairly introverted is that I've become totally comfortable in my own company, and it's just fine. It doesn't happen overnight, and requires work and patience, and maybe the ability to prove to yourself that you can do it; but you can.

Everyone can. Everyone should. Travelling solo means limitless opportunities. Go wherever the wind takes you. (not to quote Pocahontas or anything lol)

Lucy x

My past couple of blogs have been a bit ~ negative ~ and I feel like that's a really bad representation of my year. I won't lie about it, it's been tough; I spent a good bit of the year feeling like I wasn't good enough for anything, suffered loss, rejection and I had my first real experience of grief, and it all took a bit of a toll on my mental health.

The only time I ever write blogs is under the crushing weight of every other thing I have to do, this time around it's an essay, studying for exams, packing for Vancouver, prepping for working in Disney World next summer (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) among other things - but oh well, motivation is motivation, and I'm not keen on losing it.

Coming towards the end of the year, I've been doing all sorts of dramatic ~reflecting~ on my year, about significant events and people and music and all kinds of wonderful things that I got to do or see, and things that maybe haven't had the greatest impact.

The running theme among these "negative" events has been forgiveness. It's something I've never struggled to do, it's very easy to either blame myself and apologise for something (be it annoying someone, doing something I would perceive as being selfish or just generally not being good enough), or to let something slide because I feel the other person couldn't help it or was just having a bad day. I'd never thought of this as a weirdly toxic trait until recently; it has allowed me to keep every friendship I've ever made, but is that in itself a good thing?

It's much easier to verbally forgive and move on than it is to mentally forgive - and this has been something I've had the greatest trouble handling. It's hard to explain without explicit examples, and I don't want to do that for the very reason that I have already given forgiveness, and by bringing something back up again, I'm going back on my word.

From a very personal perspective - regardless of whether I feel I have given true forgiveness and would like both parties to move on, some things have lasting damaging effects that a simple act of masking over or sweeping under the rug won't help. Sure, I've grown a lot (and learned a lot about myself and my own tolerance levels) from things that have happened this year - but that doesn't mean that I haven't been left thinking about how things could have been should they have went the way they seemed to be going, if I was able to speak up for myself more in the moment, or if I was just generally a better version of myself, in ways I can't learn to be.

I remind myself every day of how lucky I am to have so many wonderful, loving, kind friends and family, people who love me unconditionally, who don't allow me to think of myself as a burden or as useless as I've felt in various scenarios this year. I am also lucky to be living my dreams next year, and all of these little things will hopefully become a bit more superficial; but I'm so aware that it's healthy for me to acknowledge the damage caused for what it's worth. There's no point in trying to diminish my own problems when they are very real and very scary.

Going hand in hand with this is maybe the greatest lesson I've learned this year (whether I actually practice what I preach is something only time will tell): SPEAK TF UPPPP. If I'm not fine don't say I am, tell people that what they did hurt me because they'll grow from that going forward and other people won't get caught in the aftermath, stand up for myself when I'm clearly getting walked over. Don't let people build up promises they never intend to keep etc etc etc.

CHEERS TO 2019 AND SPEAKING UP 4 WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, MUTUAL GROWTH BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE AND HOPEFULLY NOT SACRIFICING FRIENDSHIPS ALONG THE WAY!

Love, Lucy x

Guess who's back and arguably not better than ever - but giving it my best shot as always. I honestly planned on blogging more back when I could tweet it (pre-suspension lol) and know i'd get more than one reader, but hey ho, this blog isn't for anyone but myself at the end of the day.

I do feel like I turn to writing when I can feel my life shifting and don't know how else to deal with it other than write everything down - which is admittedly stupid, it just means that any blogging consists almost entirely of incoherent rambling. Alas, there's method in the madness somewhere I'm sure.

The past few months have been fairly dramatic - new places, places that were once happy becoming significantly more sombre, new people, new experiences, new experiences WITH new people, new anxieties, learning how to deal with grief and realising that sweeping emotions consistently under the rug in the hopes that it's easier to face them at a later date only ends in prolonging the damage. AND over the NEXT few months, it's only going to get MORE dramatic!!!!

None of it has sunk in yet, and probably won't until I'm actually out there, but moving to Vancouver (if only for a semester) will be the single scariest thing I've done in my life. And I'm afraid.

Sure, I'm BEYOND excited to stay in a city that isn't Glasgow long enough for it to feel like a new 'home', and to -hopefully- make at least a few new friends. Listen to new music, seizing opportunities for personal growth and blah blah blah. Of COURSE I'm excited, but fear is natural with a move this huge, regardless of the time period.

What I feel is a lot less natural, albeit probably understandable, is the ridiculous fear of life going on without me. This sounds more stupid, and I've been told it is by anyone I've admitted this to. I do know that life at home isn't just put on pause while I'm away, and that even while I'm at home, I have minimal control over the changes I fear most. My going away for the semester doesn't mean that all my friends will forget about me, it doesn't mean that the people I love and who love me will fall out of it. I have the social skills and the energy to ensure that everyone I know and love also knows that I'm thinking about them. On a broader point - I fear what I can't control.

Even at home, I struggle to cope with the idea of people slipping through my fingers if I don't keep a tight enough grip. I hold on to feelings that almost definitely aren't mutual, in the hopes that one day they may become mutual; and my leaving ((mentally)) is the equivalent of letting go or at least loosening my grip, setting them free to find other friends, who don't weigh them down, who are infinitely more interesting or at least less awkward.

The truth is, whether I'm 4 miles or 4365 miles away, I cannot and never will be able to control how I am seen by others. Those who wish to keep me in their life in any capacity will be waiting with open arms when I return.

Cheryl Cole once said "anything that's worth having is sure enough worth fighting for"; and there's a truth to this - but it goes both ways. There is no point in wasting time and energy in watering a dead plant. If a battle is lost, move it and move on - but don't forget it. Salvage what you can, press the flowers and preserve them. They'll never be as bright as they once were, and that's ok.
I'm running out of analogies to use, and after a long day, that's ok too - I told you it would be incoherent.

I'm very sure that I'll return to this topic, whether in blog form or in the form of verbal diarrhea most likely falling upon deaf, or at least unwilling, ears.

Cheers to change and personal growth etc,
Lucy x

Krakow is a great city for so many reasons, rich in history, great prices and GREAT food. Most of our list that we set out to tick off involved food, and it was just as good (or better) than we expected. Surprisingly, this is a city of many (many) Italian restaurants, which we weren't expecting at all but suited me down to the ground anyway. The bakery culture was my favourite part, why can't every city run on pastries?

I debated making this blog a full food diary but considering my weird/restricted eating habits that would have made for an extremely dull and repetitive blog that even I wouldn't want to read over again, so why not summarise this into my favourite snacks across the trip!

- Obwarzanek



Arguably the most basic of the bunch, but you can't been extremely cheap (and relatively iconic) street food. This is a Krakow staple, you can find them in stalls literally all over the city - as a rule of thumb, always try something you can find on a magnet.
These are Krakowien bagels/pretzels, and they are one of the best ways to sample the local culture. We tried some from all over, and you can get all kinds of different toppings, poppyseed, salt, cheese etc. Prices vary slightly but they are all cheap (!!!!), for as little as 50p or less even. It's such an easy snack, or breakfast if that's what you're feeling - paired with a coffee from one of Krakow's many bakeries!

- Pączki



I'd love to tell you that I took this picture but I wasn't that smart, and bought two donuts and only decided to take a photo of it once it had been smashed in my bag - so I thought it would be better to find a picture that actually resembles a doughnut.
I'm not sure whether it's just the icing that differs or whether the jam inside changes with the flavours too, but I chose a rose and a cinnamon (and because of how squished they got in my bag I honestly couldn't really tell the difference between them), and they were both BEAUTIFUL. If you don't like rose flavoured things, then obviously this won't be for you, but I'm lead to believe that the rose flavour is the most famous - and I'd wholeheartedly recommend it. It's the perfect blend of both sweet and floral, and it's not overpowering or perfume-y. Definitely would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't stuffed my face on something else before buying them too lol
(p.s. we bought ours from Grodzka 6 which is just off the main square)

- Mixed berry sweet bread



Honestly don't know the real name for this bread but this will do, because it's exactly what it was. The blueberry jam in the middle was a bit much but I'd have it for breakfast ANY day of the year and I'm kind of sad it's so out of reach. (ft. my chubby hands, all the better for holding sweet breads and pastries with)

- Dark chocolate ice cream 



Obviously ice cream isn't exactly culturally unique or distinct to Poland, but no lie, this was the best ice cream I've had in my life. We stopped at Good Lood in Kazimierz after dinner nearby at Kolanko No. 6, and it might be the best decisicion I've made all year. When they said dark chocolate they weren't kidding, it was so intensely rich and creamy and I'm still dreaming about it more than a month later.
This photo is horrendous but I don't care, I'm immortalising it here. Was I high? No. Was I CONTENT? Yes. Best ice cream of my life (maybe). I love ice cream. Thank you and good night. 

- Poppyseed bun



My favourite discover of the whole trip was these poppyseed buns. I picked one up originally thinking it was a weird pain au chocolat but I have never been so happy to be wrong. The first bite is weird if you don't know what to expect, but the only description I can give is that it's subtly sweet, and delicate and soft which a little crunch around the outside and the added sweetness of the light icing on top (which only 1/3 of the buns I picked up had on them, but that didn't matter). These were GLORIOUS. It might be an acquired taste, and they do look a bit like "spider's eggs" (thanks to Erin for pointing this one out) but there's nothing like it. I could have eaten 10. If you're in and around Krakow (and I think a lot of eastern europe generally?) then PLEASE do yourself a favour and go and find one of these. Life changing.


COCKTAILS
I debated making a whole other blog about this and I might regret not doing that but I didn't want to write a half-blog on this when I have too much else to say (that ultimately I don't even think anyone else is going to read but o well this blog is for me anyway).

All I've done for this whole blog is gush over everything and I'm going to keep that going! These cocktails were the best I'd ever had, and some of the cheapest I've ever had too.

- Oriental Chacha / Rebecca's Touch


These were two very similar cocktails we got from Cheder in Kazimierz. They were some of the most original and simple cocktails that I've tried and I fell in love with them, although drinking it on an empty stomach wasn't my wisest move.
Oriental Chacha (pictured) is made with oriental liqueur, apple juice, honey and cinnamon - and it reminded me of how much I LOVE cinnamon. It makes everything taste better, and paired with apple? A holy combination.
Rebecca's Touch wasn't my drink but I tasted it and it was really similar to my drink, but instead of the liqueur it was made with Krupnik vodka, and the cinnamon was swapped for lemon. This one wasn't as suited to my tastes because vodka is disgusting (sorry), but the apple/lemon/honey made it work. It was still a gorgeous cocktail.

- HEVRE



Truthfully I can't remember the name of the pictured cocktail, but we had this round in a bar called Hevre in Kazimierz which I would recommend to anyone going to Krakow. It's an old synagogue that's been converted into a bar/night club and it was one of the most fascinating places I've been to. Plus it's got a whole range of unique and reasonably priced cocktails (although a little more expensive by Krakow standards).

- White Russian



Also pictured is a tequila sunrise which was good and reasonably priced but nothing spectacular compared with how the Polish (or at least in Krakow) does a White Russian. Something as simple as swapping milk for cream makes a HUGE difference. I can never go back. It was almost like a creamy chocolate milk. Simple and amazing and I don't know why other bars haven't conned on to how BEAUTIFUL this is.
We got these drinks from a bar called Baroque which we spent the whole trip looking for and found on the last night! It was great but you can get this standard of White Russian pretty much anywhere in the city that we tried. 

- Raspberry Daquiri



Last but CERTAINLY not least, the best cocktail I've had in my life, this raspberry daquiri. We got them with our dinner at Da Pietro in the main square, and were speechless. These were like JAM. As if they just pureed straight rasberries and added some rum for a kick. I'd fly to Krakow for this cocktail ALONE. As someone who wants alcohol without the distinct alcohol taste, this ticks every box. It could almost pass for a smoothie, or a hard raspberry coulis. I'm still speechless, nothing I can say does this justice. I'm also aware that I've used the word "beautiful" to describe too many things on this list but I can't think of a better word to describe it - and I'm not even going to try to. So GOOD.

BONUSSSS
- Elderflower Fanta



It's not distinctly Polish by any means, or food, or a cocktail, but there was no way I was posting this blog without giving it a mention. This flavour is so common too? It is available pretty much everywhere in all kinds of different sizes and it tastes so fancy, I was so impressed. It was another highlight of the trip. I'm jealous of myself for ever being able to drink this casually without having to smuggle it onto a plane or something, and I'm jealous of anyone else who could just leave their house right now and pick up some like it's nothing. Liquid GOLD.

With that, I'm going to finish this blog with a plea to both the good people of Krakow and Coca Cola as a company to please send all the goods (everything in this list) my way :-)